Day 25: My daily body

Our Thanksgivukkah party spread. Just beautiful.

Our Thanksgivukkah party spread. Just beautiful.

Thanks to the miraculous conjoining of Hanukah, American thanksgiving, and then Shabbat, there has been a plentitude of food around me.  On the one hand, I’m not complaining because it’s been an amazing and delicious week.  (With more to come!) But on the other hand, I’m allowing the extra food eating to get to my head.  By this, I mean I’ve been extra sensitive about the way I’ve been looking at my body.  I haven’t quite discerned if it’s mental or real.  Have I packed on some extra sufganiot weight, or does my mind believe I have, and therefore it seems as though I have?

In any case, it 100% has packed on some anxiety and self induced guilt.  It’s providing me an opening to once again hate my body and what I’m seeing in the mirror.  I understand that there are “down” moments, which we just need to “get through”.  Sometimes we’re on the down spiral of a wave, but we must accept that it will come back up again, and that we’ll feel better.  In regards to the way I’m feeling about my body, I’m accepting that today I’m angry with what I see, but this is an emotion, not a fact.  Because, the truth is, my body looks different every single day I look at it.  It always looks like a different body.  Some days she looks thin and some days she looks chubby and some days she looks regular.  My body isn’t an unchanging object, it’s always different.  And so, each day, depending on if I’m bloated, if I ate a lot the day before, if I’m not feeling well, if my mind is negative or positive, what I’m wearing, and blah blah blah, I see something different staring back at me.

It’s with this in mind, that I need to NOW take the moment to appreciate my body.  I need to love it, when I don’t want to love it.  It’s so easy for me to hate myself, and it’s much more challenging to love myself.  I need to love it when I hate it.  I need to love it when it looks the way I want it to look and love it when I want to hide behind the baggiest of clothes.  So today, I’m taking the biggest step by affirming my love for my body by saying I love my stomach, that part all around my belly button, the part that I struggle with the most.  It doesn’t matter that right this moment  I don’t love it, because I need to begin to start the process to believe it, so that next time I post on my stomach- it’s belief.  So today, I’ll be repeating to myself that I love my stomach.

I also want to start a week long challenge, beginning today.  For the next week, I’m not going to look at my body in the mirror. I want to just live my body, not judge it (positively or negative).  I will look at my body when I’m deciding what to wear, but I won’t look at it simply to judge it.  It changes, not just by the week or the month but by the moment.  I need to understand that.  I need to pursue my goal of health, and love and embrace this body of mine, no matter the shape it takes in a moment.

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